Friday, September 10, 2010

Nothing To Hold On To

There is an anonymous saying that, in order to live the life that is waiting for you, you have to let go of the life you have. Three years ago, when I swallowed handful after handful of pills and tried to commit suicide, my life as I knew it ceased to exist from that moment on. OK. That is taking it a little too literally.

In the months that followed, I lost custody of my children as they moved with their Dad to a different state. In the following year, I gradually lost all friends and became isolated as I did not return phone calls or socialize. I couldn’t. All I could do was take care of me and exist.

The things which had been so important like the latest, killer clothes, a flawless appearance at all times (even did the Botox thing), and having a house which looked like it came right out of some magazine complete with the sparkle and fresh smell, were not a consideration anymore. Not even on the radar. I used to pride myself on my yard never hinting at the fact that a single woman lived here. It was all I could do just to keep it from looking run down and unkept. I think I even saw a few tumbleweeds blow through.

After an initial period of shock and anger, came a profound stage of sadness and grief. In truth, the Debbie that had existed did die. Slowly, gradually, came acceptance and taking responsibility for the life I had lived thus far, the big mess I had created and the life I was going to live from that point on.

At this time, I started putting my energy into me and improving myself and my life. I knew I did not want to stay in the condition I was in, and I was the only one who was going to make it better. I have not stopped since. I have only gained momentum. You know what? It has worked. Yipee!

If a fortune teller had looked into their crystal ball and told me that I would be living without my kids, without a significant other, without a career, with a speech impediment, and basically with the same issues as when I tried to kill myself, but I would be happier than ever and be very optimistic about the future, I would have told them their ball must have a huge smudge. Yet, it is true.

Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, in her book Comfortable With Uncertainty says that:

Wanting to find a place where everything’s OK is just what keeps us miserable. Always looking for a way to have pleasure and avoid pain is how we keep ourselves in samsara. (the vicious cycle of suffering) As long as we believe there is something that will permanently satisfy our hunger for security, suffering is inevitable. The truth is that things are always in transition. ‘Nothing to hold on to’ is the root of all happiness.

Things may not be perfect, but I am OK…great even. I have come to know that in uncertainty lies all possibility. Peace and joy are not found in having no wrinkles, a spotless house, or yard of the month. It is in my brain.


  1. Great thoughts. While I didn't get to the point of actually carrying out my death wish, I was only a hair away from taking similar steps. A little voice told me that death would not end suffering and that my suffering after death would be even greater. That stopped me in my tracks. WHile I couldn't think of how I could live from that time forward because it was difficult enough just taking my next breath, I learned to put one foot in front of another over and over, and like you, learned to find happiness within and that has allowed me to find happiness in all I see and do, regardless of where I am. Things rarely work out the way we want and so if we want to suffer, all we have to do is argue with reality and want something different.

  2. Beautiful Debbie and a message that is so serendipitous considering everything that has happened to me today!

    Thanks for sharing and being an inspiration and positive role model!

    Blessings to you.

  3. Laurie...funny how just the right message seems to come at the right time.

    I know in my own life that, when I quit looking for the shelter in the storm and just started dancing in the rain...I got soaking wet, but I also quit living in fear and started living in joy and peace. Plus, it can be kinda fun getting all wet!

  4. Tony, getting to such a low place has its inherent value....there is no where to go but up. You are so right. We have to want and have to make something different for ourselves. So glad you found your way, and thank you for sharing what you have learned with me and others! You are an inspiration.

  5. Debbie,
    I'm jumping up and down with excitement for you, like you often say, you've discovered the magic wand! (I love that saying.)

    I'm with Laurie (and happen to have the same name) -- you're a positive role model and an inspiration for what is possible.

    Much love and light to you, my friend. Your writing soothes my soul.

  6. Lori, thanks much for your kind words! Like anyone else, I ride the roller coaster, and, of course, I do not feel this way at all times. The super duper thing is that I know how to get back to this place now, and I always know it is there. Makes the ride so much more fun and allows me to throw my hands up in the air with a big "Weeeee!"